Flip you

Lyrically Speaking--The Musical

2009-08-09T22:52:00.006-06:00

Ever get bored with the same old musicals? I felt like shaking things up a bit.
Here are my Musicals, complete with their first reviews~

My Fair Phantom Lady “What can you say to a female phantom with a fire-scarred face and horrible intonation? Kidnap a voice coach and get thee to a the bowels of an opera house! Lindsay Lohan was born to this role, rising above her ghostly looks and minimal singing talent thanks to the guidance of her love-struck captive teacher, brilliantly played by Simon Cowell. Their duet, “Mismatched Mistakes” is a showstopper.”

Singin’ Fiddler in the Oklahoma Rain “Nonstop fun. Follow the wacky Jewish cowboy Buck Lowenstein and his family as they travel the drought ravaged Midwest, conning farmers out of cash by promising to fiddle up a rainstorm. You’ll come out humming along with “Oy, There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute” and grateful that Gabe Kaplan came out of retirement!”

Jesus Christ Cats Hair “A delightful farce. Britain’s Russell Brand as an allergy-riddled cockney savior, lots of eye-rolling sarcasm from High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens as Mary Magdalene. Sure-fire hit singles to listen for: “Superstar My Arse” and “Sneezin’ Wheezin’ Messiah”. Great cameo by Tom Cruise as Pontius Pilate.

Paint Your Rent Wagon, Miss Saigon “Heart wrenching. An aging beauty queen forced into prostitution when her sushi chain-store fare poisons hundreds of people. She works out of a rusty ‘72 Chevy station wagon, driven around by her sister who becomes infamous as a singing madam. “I Sleep with the Fishes” will make you weep.”

Another notice from the wonderful folks at BLUFFINGTON

2009-05-08T10:32:00.006-06:00

See previous Bluffington product label HERE

Thank you for purchasing a Bluffington stapler!

Please make sure to follow these suggested safety guidelines:

1) Use only #7 size staples in your stapler. If #7 staples cannot be found, you may substitute #6.5, but you will have to force them into the case, 3 at a time.

2) Do NOT get the stapler wet. If you are lame and prone to spilling coffee at your work area, keep the stapler elevated at all times.

3) When stapling more than 2 sheets of paper, it may be necessary to exert more force. Try standing up and using both hands. Or your fist.

4) Occasionally, staples will not bend correctly. This is always due to user malfunction. If this leads to swearing, be considerate of your coworkers.

5) If you have purchased one of Bluffington’s novelty staplers (Homer Simpson, Jessica Simpson, O.J. Simpson) be aware that the inherently stupid nature of the characters can cause lingering effects on the user. Bluffington is not responsible for any injuries to fingers, hands, eyes, ears, nose or Adam’s apples.

Sub-subconscience

2009-04-27T23:26:00.004-06:00

Short and Sweet.

So today I said I was quadriplegic--when I meant to say claustrophobic.

And I believe it to be a very Freudian slip, because I was trying to explain why I prefer using the handicap stall in the bathroom.

Short and sweet

2009-04-21T19:16:00.002-06:00

Pink Floyd (Zen) and the art of (drunk) bicycle riding--

Music is the key to everything, oui?

Start with some sassy Prince's "Kiss" to get the pedals going and the heart pumping.

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with...

Set the groove with Deep Purple's "Magic Carpet Ride"

Why don't ya come with me little girl...

Then find Elysium and cruise with Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb"

I can't explain, you would not understand; this is not how I am...

Lyrically Speaking 3: Musical Autobiography

2009-04-18T09:28:00.002-06:00

This has been the most fun so far! I only took one tiny liberty in the lyrics I used, you will see it in red.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I am woman, hear me roar
I been bummin’ around this old town so long
I have friends in low places.

My mama said
Not so long ago
She’s a good girl, living in Reseda.

I remember, I remember
Young and sweet, only seventeen
Life in the fast lane
Lookin’ for some hot stuff baby
Wanna bring a wild man back home.

I know one thing
I don’t like Reggae—I love it.
Wanna dance my life away
Come back baby, rock and roll never forgets.

All the boys say
She’s a black magic woman
But when you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you.

Girls say
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister
Mama’s got a squeeze box, daddy never sleeps at night.

I can see clearly now
I hear you call my name and it feels like home
Oh Ricky you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind
Sugar-pie honey-bunch, you know that I love you
I’ll stand by you.

I’ve had the time of my life…

Lyrically Speaking--the enhanced version

2009-04-05T11:55:00.003-06:00

To take Lyrically Speaking to the next level, I decided to write a blog ‘story’ using lyrics. We’ll see how it goes. For the thoroughly confused, I’ve put the lyrics in colored font--broken down to show different song sources.

If you wake up and don’t wanna smile, let me tell you a story. It seemed so wrong but now it seems so right, Stacy’s mom has got it going on.
She looked at me and said, “Won’t you take me to…Funky Town?”
I replied, “I believe in miracles! Where you from, you sexy thing? Let my love open the door!”
So I put her on the back of my bike and we went riding. Moonlight feels right.
Heeeeeey, yah! I used her, she used me, but neither one cared--we were gettin’ our share.
She’s so mean, but I don’t care…like a genie in a bottle, I have become comfortably numb.
Maybe I’ll hear her say, “Hit me baby, one more time.”

Something is WRONG

2009-03-24T10:27:00.004-06:00

This will be short & sweet~
Scary things are happening in our world right now, a lot of them bad. I'm not sure there is a direct link to my experience, or if it is truly blog worthy (wait--since when have I written "worthy" blogs?) but--
I had to write this down to believe it…I got an appointment at the eye doctor for Wednesday. As in TOMORROW. Not a cancellation—I had my choice of times!! Has Hell frozen over???

Son of FRANKENBLOG

2009-03-08T22:22:00.005-06:00

I liked my monster so much, I had to do another. You know what they say about sequels...

Anyway. Like the first creation, I have scavenged bits and pieces from older blogs and put them together in no particular order. The continuity actually surprised me.

************************************

The portrait is Clytie, a water nymph who was in love with Apollo. When he rejected her, she sat in one spot watching the sun (Apollo) go across the sky until she turned into a sunflower.

Don’t get me wrong--I am not totally devoid of any good eating habits. But who has ever said their comfort food was a tossed salad? Or grapefruit?

The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers
She whips a pistol from her knickers
She aims it at the creature’s head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead

4) I HATE Ferris wheels.

Lunch lady at a junior high school…I charged kids a dime to see my tattoo.

Our whole family played up the Santa thing, but I didn’t believe that anymore than I did a “heavenly father” who (coincidentally) was also pictured as a kindly old man with a white beard.

First of all, I come by this honestly. As far back as I can remember, my mother talked about Elizabeth Taylor’s eyes.

Growing up in a medium size town--as opposed to a “big city”--I didn’t think I’d ever have much contact with crime, let alone murder victims.

15) I took a speed-reading course, and got up to 361 words a minute.

Lyrically Speaking

2009-02-25T17:12:00.004-07:00

I have spent large chunks of time in any given day thinking in song lyrics. This must be because they occupy the largest portion of my brain. Really. I even try to converse with people using song lyrics, and I have decided this is the truest definition of the term,

Lyrically Speaking

For this blog I just made a list of songs I agree or disagree with.

I Ain’t No Holler Back Girl.

I’m NOT a Loser, Baby.

I’ve NEVER Seen a Bad Moon Rising.

It IS Getting Hot in Here!

All I Wanna Do is Dance.

I DO NOT Want to See You Laughing in the Purple Rain.

You DO NOT Make Me Feel Shiny and New…OR Like a Natural Woman, either.

Sarcasm for fun and profit

2009-02-01T22:10:00.004-07:00

A couple years ago we received a gift which had a fake warning label on the back, and it was hysterical. I immediately decided this was my calling. So I went home and wrote my own fake warning label to pitch to....someone....to get a job doing what I do best--mocking anything serious.

I'm not sure if I ever followed up on that idea, but I just found my silly label and decided it had languished in the darkness of my hard drive too long--time to bring it out into the light of blog.

USING YOUR NEW BLUFFINGTON MOUSEPAD:
This mousepad is made of noninflammable products. Do not attempt to inflame it. As with all mousepads, the New Bluffington mousepad should never be used to pad a mouse. Doing so could result in extremely irritated mice. Use only mild soap and water to remove any debris. Food, beer, and cigarette butts are considered excessive debris and may not respond to soap and water alone. In case of tornado, take shelter in your basement. In such situations, no mousepad can be expected to perform properly, if at all. Not for human consumption. Non-human consumption is in the eye of the beholder. New Bluffington mousepads are considered legal tender in Utopia, Atlantis, and portions of Xanadu. All other claims are fictitious.

Saving grace? Saving fault~

2009-01-30T13:09:00.011-07:00

How My Anal Retentiveness Helped Me To Like Washing Dishes.

When I was a young housewife back in the year nineteen and cough, cough, most of the many places I lived had no dishwashers.

I knew it was my "wifely duty" to wash dishes--after all, I had the luxury of staying home. So I had lots of time and it shouldn't have been a big deal, right?

Wrong.

Not if you were like me (20 going on 16) and grew up believing any kind of housework--or work in general, for that matter--was punishment.

I had a nice routine. Cook dinner, pile dishes somewhere in kitchen, watch TV and go to bed. Around mid-afternoon the following day, I knew I had to start another meal soon, so I would reluctantly and petulantly clean up. It worked.

Fast forward a few years to when I actually cared if someone came to my house and saw dirty dishes...I guess I was growing up. I let the control freak in me take over, made a new (compulsion?) routine, and actually found a kind of joy I still experience today. (I do have a dishwasher now, but once in a while...)

So here are my tips for finding the Ultimate Satisfaction in dish-washing.

1) Don't wear gloves. Savor the tactile experiences.
2) Use the hottest water you can stand. A test makes it a challenge.
3) Find a dish soap you love. This might require time and trials. Mine was anything my mother wouldn't try when I was a kid.
4) Start with glassware--in unpolluted dishwater. Otherwise, you might wind up with a greasy residue.
5) Feel how smooth and slippery clean glass feels. Mmmm. Nice.
6) Rinse everything voraciously. This is not the time to worry about wasting water.
7)Use a dish drainer, and use it efficiently. Everything in its place.

Stand back and admire your work. If you can, pat yourself on the back for tackling an everyday chore in the most obsessive way you could.

FRANKENBLOG

2009-01-24T18:50:00.009-07:00

This is a bizarre compilation--a few lines pasted together to give a peek into Planet Claudia.

Here are bits of ten random entries from eight previous blogs...see how it works for you.

In the beginning, there was the chicken. And I Kentucky Fried it, after signing an agreement that (if I somehow found out) I would never reveal the secret blend of 23 herbs and spices.

Goodnight Saigon by Billy Joel. There is something so touching about the part where he sings “We said we’d all go down together…” WOW.

12) I used to practice signing autographs as Aquamarine Lace.

In those days they just called me morbid, or disturbed. But I loved all things dark. I was fascinated with death, the occult, and of course my heroes had fangs and wore capes.

My obsession with funny names started when I was a kid learning from my best friend how to make prank phone calls. We just started reading names in the phone book, and found out the very last name listed at the end was Sylvester Zweiner. He was actually the last name in our local book for many years.

Big jump after I scored a 93 on the Civil Service test--I was hired to deliver mail as a rural route substitute. Not as glamorous as it sounds! No benefits, and the mail just…keeps…coming…

Make time for counting
Poetry will be easy
In Haiku format

In other news, I was eating a Dr. Pepper freezer pop (which was yummy) and I topped it off with some mandarin-lime sparkling water, but now I have the hiccups and they won't go away.

43) Scrimshanker: One who accepts neither responsibility nor work.

Sadly, the short, magical night ended without a single envious friend staring at me in awe.
But I get to relive it whenever I hear Long Cool Woman…or see a vintage black Corvette.

The Blog of IRONY

2009-01-15T23:04:00.002-07:00

I'm driving to work today, behind a big moving van. The name of the company is "Little Guy Movers" but their logo is this big burly guy carrying a refrigerator on his back. Clever.

Then I look at the car next to the truck. A woman is throwing her cigarette out the window, and her bumper sticker reads:
Prevent Wildfires

FYI! I've added a widget at the end of each blog where folks can give their "reaction" (if they don't feel inclined to actually comment) but because it was put retroactively on my old blogs, it would appear no one cared to react. This is probably only important to me.

The Seasons...according to Claudia

2009-01-12T22:00:00.003-07:00

I have my own system to describe the seasons. With their own names. What better time to share?

"SUMMER" Of course the most important season of the year. Starts some time in May, if there have been a few days in a row of temps over 70. Ends when I see any leaves of a color other than green.

"The Holiday Season" Starts mid-October, and includes the holidays of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's, which helps me forget it's not SUMMER. Ends when I take down the Christmas tree.

"Waiting for SUMMER" Starts when I take down the Christmas tree.

Sigh. And repeat.

Favs

2009-01-08T20:54:00.004-07:00

So better late than never, I wanted to post my favorite Christmas present.

Elvis Presley "Blue Christmas" wine.

YES!

Complete with a reindeer bottle cover~

The Wonderful Blizzard of Blog

2008-12-29T20:50:00.003-07:00

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
The pudgy balding guy using pyrotechnics as a cover up for his lack of "wizardry". But that's the beauty of it--his true talent was making something impressive out of very little--even if it was only an illusion. So he was clever.

Something like a good blog crafter. Doesn't really matter what we look like behind our curtain...just need to put on a show dazzling enough to keep folks in awe.

I wonder how the Wizard of Oz would have dealt with the competition of a million other wizards.

Yes, I'm a boozer

2008-12-18T23:09:00.003-07:00

I threatened to write a blog with drink recipes and got some input...but I actually meant set up a whole new blog where I wrote about nothing but drinks...

That might be a tad over the top.

But here are some "seasonal" drink novelties~

Andrea wants something with Goldschlager. How about 1 oz vanilla vodka, 1 oz kahlua, and 1/2 oz Goldschlager. I call it a Russian Sparkler.

I actually dreamed of some kind of Peppermint-martini. I thought equal parts vanilla vodka and Peppermint schnapps...I'll have to try & see if that's too much like mouthwash.

For our White Trash party the weekend after Thanksgiving, we were quite happy with our "cheap date punch" made with equal parts of Cold Duck and Pomegranate Seven-Up.

What would happen if you mixed Wintergreen (or Spearmint schnapps) with vodka and creme de cacao? Would it taste like a mint chocolate cookie? Well, that's what I'm hoping!

Here's to you~

A whey in a manger

2008-12-08T22:07:00.002-07:00

So when I need a laugh, I can always count on the news.

It seems a man in New Hampshire had the baby Jesus stolen out of his nativity scene, and replaced with a beer can.

Which, I guess, shows a small amount of imagination. I wondered what replacement might be even funnier...
Maybe a little Gouda...a small Swiss...you know, baby cheeses.

How do you spell exploitation?

2008-12-06T11:28:00.005-07:00

Currently, I spell it B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G.

http://www.whoppervirgins.com/

Have you seen this website or the commercials?

Are you freakin kidding me?

How desperate are these people to prove their hamburger superior to McDonald's?

And the answer would be......desperate enough to drag native people out of their huts (farms, I don't know) from remote villages in Romania, Thailand, etc., coerce them into eating food they have--supposedly--never seen before, all to be declared the winner in the ridiculous new version of the 1980's cola wars.

Does anyone else find this the ultimate in commercial exploitation?

Ode, to be a skinny kid again...

2008-12-06T11:12:00.004-07:00

Grape soda

cream soda

NEHI blue

I miss those crazy drinks

and the sugar-buzz too

Greetings

2008-12-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Planet Claudia.

When people have asked if I think the world revolves around me, I am amused.

Silly question...I am the world.

But all are welcome! Visit often.