Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lyrically Speaking--The Musical

Ever get bored with the same old musicals? I felt like shaking things up a bit.
Here are my Musicals, complete with their first reviews~

My Fair Phantom Lady “What can you say to a female phantom with a fire-scarred face and horrible intonation? Kidnap a voice coach and get thee to a the bowels of an opera house! Lindsay Lohan was born to this role, rising above her ghostly looks and minimal singing talent thanks to the guidance of her love-struck captive teacher, brilliantly played by Simon Cowell. Their duet, “Mismatched Mistakes” is a showstopper.”

Singin’ Fiddler in the Oklahoma Rain “Nonstop fun. Follow the wacky Jewish cowboy Buck Lowenstein and his family as they travel the drought ravaged Midwest, conning farmers out of cash by promising to fiddle up a rainstorm. You’ll come out humming along with “Oy, There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute” and grateful that Gabe Kaplan came out of retirement!”

Jesus Christ Cats Hair “A delightful farce. Britain’s Russell Brand as an allergy-riddled cockney savior, lots of eye-rolling sarcasm from High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens as Mary Magdalene. Sure-fire hit singles to listen for: “Superstar My Arse” and “Sneezin’ Wheezin’ Messiah”. Great cameo by Tom Cruise as Pontius Pilate.

Paint Your Rent Wagon, Miss Saigon “Heart wrenching. An aging beauty queen forced into prostitution when her sushi chain-store fare poisons hundreds of people. She works out of a rusty ‘72 Chevy station wagon, driven around by her sister who becomes infamous as a singing madam. “I Sleep with the Fishes” will make you weep.”

Friday, May 8, 2009

Another notice from the wonderful folks at BLUFFINGTON

See previous Bluffington product label HERE

Thank you for purchasing a Bluffington stapler!

Please make sure to follow these suggested safety guidelines:

1) Use only #7 size staples in your stapler. If #7 staples cannot be found, you may substitute #6.5, but you will have to force them into the case, 3 at a time.

2) Do NOT get the stapler wet. If you are lame and prone to spilling coffee at your work area, keep the stapler elevated at all times.

3) When stapling more than 2 sheets of paper, it may be necessary to exert more force. Try standing up and using both hands. Or your fist.

4) Occasionally, staples will not bend correctly. This is always due to user malfunction. If this leads to swearing, be considerate of your coworkers.

5) If you have purchased one of Bluffington’s novelty staplers (Homer Simpson, Jessica Simpson, O.J. Simpson) be aware that the inherently stupid nature of the characters can cause lingering effects on the user. Bluffington is not responsible for any injuries to fingers, hands, eyes, ears, nose or Adam’s apples.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Short and Sweet.

So today I said I was quadriplegic--when I meant to say claustrophobic.

And I believe it to be a very Freudian slip, because I was trying to explain why I prefer using the handicap stall in the bathroom.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Short and sweet

Pink Floyd (Zen) and the art of (drunk) bicycle riding--

Music is the key to everything, oui?

Start with some sassy Prince's "Kiss" to get the pedals going and the heart pumping.

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with...

Set the groove with Deep Purple's "Magic Carpet Ride"

Why don't ya come with me little girl...

Then find Elysium and cruise with Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb"

I can't explain, you would not understand; this is not how I am...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Lyrically Speaking 3: Musical Autobiography

This has been the most fun so far! I only took one tiny liberty in the lyrics I used, you will see it in red.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I am woman, hear me roar
I been bummin’ around this old town so long
I have friends in low places.

My mama said
Not so long ago
She’s a good girl, living in Reseda.

I remember, I remember
Young and sweet, only seventeen
Life in the fast lane
Lookin’ for some hot stuff baby
Wanna bring a wild man back home.

I know one thing
I don’t like Reggae—I love it.
Wanna dance my life away
Come back baby, rock and roll never forgets.

All the boys say
She’s a black magic woman
But when you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you.

Girls say
Hey sister, go sister, soul sister
Mama’s got a squeeze box, daddy never sleeps at night.

I can see clearly now
I hear you call my name and it feels like home
Oh Ricky you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind
Sugar-pie honey-bunch, you know that I love you
I’ll stand by you.

I’ve had the time of my life…

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Lyrically Speaking--the enhanced version

To take Lyrically Speaking to the next level, I decided to write a blog ‘story’ using lyrics. We’ll see how it goes. For the thoroughly confused, I’ve put the lyrics in colored font--broken down to show different song sources.

If you wake up and don’t wanna smile, let me tell you a story. It seemed so wrong but now it seems so right, Stacy’s mom has got it going on.
She looked at me and said, “Won’t you take me to…Funky Town?”
I replied, “I believe in miracles! Where you from, you sexy thing? Let my love open the door!”
So I put her on the back of my bike and we went riding. Moonlight feels right.
Heeeeeey, yah! I used her, she used me, but neither one cared--we were gettin’ our share.
She’s so mean, but I don’t care…like a genie in a bottle, I have become comfortably numb.
Maybe I’ll hear her say, “Hit me baby, one more time.”

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Something is WRONG

This will be short & sweet~
Scary things are happening in our world right now, a lot of them bad. I'm not sure there is a direct link to my experience, or if it is truly blog worthy (wait--since when have I written "worthy" blogs?) but--
I had to write this down to believe it…I got an appointment at the eye doctor for Wednesday. As in TOMORROW. Not a cancellation—I had my choice of times!! Has Hell frozen over???